


Of Blue Plastic Chairs and Shitty Brownies

by grand_king_oikawa



Category: Six of Crows - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, M/M, PTA au, This is crack, mildly gay stuff, original characters where some may or may not be based off of people I know irl, pta, they all have children, they are in a pta im sorry not sorry, wylan has depression, wylan's father is an asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 16:10:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7112965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grand_king_oikawa/pseuds/grand_king_oikawa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Kaz’s crew settles down, has children, and joins the notorious PTA of the local elementary school? Well a lot of things, including a near-repeat of the Tangerine Tracksuit incident of 09, Lemon Tarts near people’s anuses, the greatest fight between middle-aged women of all time, and Matthias seriously needs to lighten up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crack fic. Enjoy

Matthias Helvar groaned as he stuffed his large frame into the painfully tiny chair, conveniently located in the back of the conference room. He still couldn’t believe he let Nina convince him into coming. When their son, Niklas, had started school, Matthias had vowed never ever to join the notorious Ketterdam Elementary School PTA, which was better known as a ‘cult of middle-aged suburban white moms.’ Nina must be insane, or on drugs, or just plain stupid to want to associate with these people. Matthias personally thought that all three options were equally likely. She was a Grisha after all.

“Matthiaaaaaas! You look so grumpy lighten up or you’ll scare away all these lovely ladies.” Speak of the devil. Nina Zenik waltzed up to the tall blonde, flourishing dramatically at a small group of middle-aged white women.

“Good,” he growled. Nina simply laughed and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “I don’t want to be here anyways.”

“Awwwww, untighten your ass would you? I brought cake! Anyways, that’s Helen, Linda, Susan, Judy, and…I forget her name,” Nina began gesturing rapidly at the group of women in the corner. Matthias didn’t know how she remembered any names at all. The women all looked the same to him. Matthias sighed. This was going to be a long 2 hours and 15 minutes.

“Nina…why are we here again? Do you see that tracksuit on that woman?” He gestured at a rather overweight woman who was chatting with another rather large woman. It was a few sizes too small, bright pink with leopard print, and showed a rather large amount of buttcrack.

“Shhhhh. While I agree that outfit is egregious, don’t be rude hun,” Nina hissed, “And we’re here for Nik remember. I read somewhere that the key to your child’s success early in their educational life is to be involved.”

“Come on Nina, this is insane. Everyone here should be locked up in a mental institution, when I was a _Druskelle-_ ” Matthias trailed off when he saw the murderous expression on his wife’s face. He glowered at her. “Look, all I’m saying is Wylan and Jesper aren’t here, and neither are Kaz and Inej-”

“Yes?” an angular man appeared behind the pair, a half-smirk on his face.

“Kaz! You’re finally here!” Nina grinned, “You need to have some of my cake, like it’s seriously good.”

“Kaz? I-I never thought, I’d see you here,” Matthias spluttered, looking indignantly at Nina who ignored him.

“Why not? Being involved in your child’s educational development is crucial for their success later on in life,” he said, casually flipping his walking stick. He took a bite of a brownie that had somehow appeared in his hand before grimacing slightly, and setting it down in front of Matthias.

“Okay, did you seriously steal a fucking brownie, you’re a disgrace,” the blonde said angrily. Kaz raised his eyebrows.

“Did you expect me to not steal a brownie?”

“Fine. Fair enough.”

“Kaz Brekker stop arguing with that stupid brooding flower for one second and come over here,” Inej Ghafa’s voice called from somewhere in the crowd of mostly women and a few men. Matthias turned, searching for Kaz, but he had already slipped into the crowd. He squirmed uncomfortably in his chair, feeling it groan underneath his immense size. He felt someone nudge his shoulder. It was Nina. She slid into the chair next to him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Lighten up, it’s not gonna be that bad,” she smiled at him encouragingly. He grimaced. There was a brief period of the sound of rustling feet and chairs scraping against wooden floorboards, and then an eerie calm. One woman arose from the crowd and began making her way to the front of the room, her heels clicking the floor methodically as she walked. The meeting was about to begin.


	2. Fight Me Helen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew experiences their 1st official PTA meeting.

Kaz shifted in his seat, his dark eyes taking in every detail of the room and the people it contained. So this was the notorious PTA of Ketterdam Elementary School. So far, they seemed fairly tame, but Kaz knew better than to make his judgement within the first 15 minutes of observing a group. He had heard his fair share, mostly from Matthias, about the Tangerine Tracksuit Incident of 09. There was a large table in the front of the room that was decorated with various baked goods. It was probably better to stay away from them. A thin, blonde, middle-aged woman stood in front of a projector, a stern expression on her face. Kaz stared at her, a bored expression resting on his face. She glanced at him briefly, meeting his gaze, and then hastily turning away. He smirked. Inej punched his arm.

“Be nice Kaz,” she hissed, “We’re going to be spending the whole year with these people so don’t be a complete jackass alright?”

“Tell that to Matthias, he’s the one who looks like he’s about to commit homicide,” Kaz said, twirling a small metal chain around his fingers. Upon closer inspection, they were dog tags, specifically, Matthias’.

“Kaz, seriously, don’t piss him off, he already clearly doesn’t want to be here,” Inej sighed, leaning her head against her husband’s shoulder.

“Inej, it’s so easy to steal from that oaf when he’s mad, I’ll give them back…eventually,” he grinned.

“What am I going to do with you Dirtyhands,” she smiled, jabbing him in the side with her finger.

“I dunno wraith, shhh it’s starting,” he pointed at the blonde, who had begun to speak.

“Hello, and welcome to the first meeting of the school year of the Ketterdam Elementary School PTA. My name is Sharon and I’m the official president of the PTA this year,” she chirped. Kaz found her voice to be rather annoying. “Now, I see some new faces and some old ones, so, we should do some icebreakers for the first 5 minutes before actually getting down to business. The first thing we’ll do is simply mingle with one another and take a few minutes with each person to introduce yourself! I’ll go first. My name is Sharon White. My child is Sam White, I’m sure you all know him, he’s a star soccer player and an honor student here. He’ll be in 4th grade this year. As for me, I used to be a…” Kaz ignored the rest of her tirade. He nudged Inej.

“Isn’t like every kid here an honor student?” she nodded.

“Now GO!” Sharon flourished dramatically. There was yet another symphony of scraping chairs and everyone was milling about. Kaz sighed and pushed himself up. He hated doing shit like this. He hated physical contact with anyone with the exception of Inej. He tried to grab her arm and pull them both into a corner that was preferably out of sight, but a hand on his arm yanked him away from her and into the crowd. He spun around to see yet another blonde woman with rather large teeth and a mole on her left wrist grinning at him.

“Hey. I’ve never seen you here before. You must be new! I’m Helen. My kid is Derek. He’s always the top of his class, you should see the bumper stickers I get,” she said in a painfully loud voice. Kaz pretended to listen, instead, scanning the room in search of a familiar, dark-skinned sharpshooter and his skinny little boyfriend. There was no sign of them. He wished he had Inej’s skill of disappearing into the shadows at will. There were so many people and so many high-pitched loud irritating voices that he wanted to pass out. Finally, Sharon ended the torture and everyone returned to their seats. Kaz realized that he had let Helen talk for 5 minutes straight. How was that even possible? These people were more obnoxious than some of the rich assholes he had taken jobs for because of the good pay.

“Okay,” Sharon clapped her hands, her earrings jingling around her skull, “First order of business, thanks to everyone who brought food today. The first thing we should discuss is how to divvy up the budget. I have 12 sample plans in mind, so if you all would kindly pay attention to the screen-” she was interrupted by a rather loud bang. Kaz turned to see a tall, lanky figure stroll lazily through the door, a smaller, skinnier man close behind.

“See Wylan, I told you we’d be fine,” Jesper Fahey’s voice drawled from the door which he had kicked open.

“Jes, babe, you almost crashed the car 3 times and almost hit 4 stop signs, that is not the definition of fine. I’m the demolitions expert not you, so stop trying to blow us up every chance you get,” Wylan spluttered. His hair was a mess. He looked around the room nervously.

“Awwww relax Wy, not a scratch on your body, I would never let that happen. Anyways, what’s happening here, I see we got to the right place eventually,” he grinned. Wylan was wearing a shaky smile as well. He couldn’t help but be amused with the antics of his boyfriend. “Hey Kaz, Inej, Nina, Tulip,” Jesper waved lazily at the other 4. Matthias shot him an absolutely murderous look, but said nothing. A loud cough echoed through the room. Everyone turned to see Sharon, looking rather miffed at being interrupted, gesturing impatiently at her presentation.

“Now that little piece of excitement is over, can we all please pay attention. This is important, and especially for those of you who showed up late,” she glared pointedly at Jesper, who winked. Kaz grinned. The Grand PTA Heist of Ketterdam Elementary was officially underway.   

 

“What she thinking,” Nina hissed at Matthias, “Why on earth would anyone think it would be a good idea to invest 50% of the budget in pointless renovations to the field. It’s fine the way it is. Clearly, the only thing this woman has in mind is her own damn son.”

“Nina, you’re way too invested in this,” he muttered, running his hands through his hair irritably.

“Shut the fuck up Matthias,” she snapped, “I’m going to tell this entitled blonde bitch a piece of my-” she was cut off by Jesper.

“So…Sharon or Cheryl or Shania or whatever your name was. Everything you’re suggesting, with the exception of slide 5 which is just plain stupid, is clearly just to benefit your son here. So tell me, how would you feel if I said I wanted to invest 75% of the budget on a shooting range so we can teach the kids to protect themselves, but in reality, it’s just so my daughter can flaunt her skills. Cause that’s what you’re doing,” he said, ignoring Wylan’s silent protests.

“Well. I never…I would never do anything that wasn’t for the good of the kids,” Sharon said indignantly, “Let me tell you Mr.-Mr-”

“Fahey,” Wylan chimed in before Jesper could say something snarky.

“Mr. Fahey. I have been president of the PTA for 3 years now, and we have flourished under my delegation. Don’t you agree Shannon?” The fat woman in the pink leopard print tracksuit nodded eagerly.

“Now listen here boy,” she drawled in a Southern accent that hurt Matthias’ ears and soul, “Ever since Sharon darling’ here has been president here, we have flourished as a group. We’ve accomplished so much in these past years you wouldn’t believe sugar.” Jesper opened his mouth to say something derogatory but was cut off by Wylan.

“Babe it’s fine. Let Mrs. Saggy Cleavage finish her rant about budgets okay?” He said quietly, patting Jesper’s shoulder. The latter snickered at the nickname but remained silent.

“Carry on, sorry to disrupt,” he drawled before turning to Wylan. “Mrs. Saggy Cleavage? What’re ya’ doing looking there you hetero?”

“Awww shut up Jes, it’s so obvious, that shirt is clearly a few sizes too large around that area and it’s pretty hard not to notice,” Wylan smirked. Jesper wrapped his arm around his boyfriend, grinning profusely.

“That’s my boy,” Nina said. Matthias simply sighed again. It hadn’t even been half an hour and there was already drama. She could practically see rain clouds forming over her husband’s mess of blonde hair.  Sharon began to speak again.

“Now, I have another topic I would like to discuss, especially since Mr. Fahey brought it up in his nice addition to our previous topic. On the subject of guns around school property, I for one, am very much for open carry of firearms. The children must be aware of how to protect themselves in this day and age,” she chirped, “Nowadays, school systems are too scared. Children shouldn’t be given guns right? Wrong. All children should be encouraged to carry a gun with them wherever they go, especially in public bathrooms since I hear that those of the opposite sex are allowed in whenever they please nowadays,” she said pointedly.

“Do you mean transgender people?” This time it was Kaz who interrupted Sharon’s tirade.

“Oh is that what you young people call them nowadays? They’re nothing but sin. Sin and liars I tell you. But we won’t divulge into that topic here. This is a school environment, and even though we aren’t students here, we still are legally obligated to keep religion out of our discussions, though, I’m not very fond of that law to be completely honest.” Kaz rolled his eyes.

“I for one don’t support open carry. Guns around schools will simply promote more school shootings. Sharon, I for one am a God-loving man, but have you seen the map of school shootings in the past 10 years in the U.S. It’s scary,” a man, around 40, in a polo shirt and khakis said from somewhere in the center of the room.

“We don’t need your liberal views here Richard. That map is a map of terrorist attacks in the U.S. in the past 10 years. There’s a reason your kid isn’t an honor student, or a star at anything” Sharon said snippily, “Now, back to business-”

“Excuse you Sharon, but my Patricia is quite the violinist,” Richard spat back indignantly. He rose about an inch and a half from his chair, which was not very intimidating in Matthias’ opinion. Richard was a rather thin man, with probably negative muscle mass.

“Please, it sounds like a dying cat when she plays,” Sharon rolled her eyes.

“Yes, because your son totally doesn’t have 12 goals scored on him per game-”

“Everyone shut the fuck up,” Kaz yelled, annoyed. For once, Matthias was thankful for the presence of the thief. “Sharon,” he continued in his usual neutral flat tone, “Do you seriously think someone who is using the bathroom that matches their gender to piss is going to kidnap your son?”

“Yes,” she said, “They are a danger to society-” Kaz cut her off and produced a rather expensive gold watch with diamond-studded buttons.

“So, Sharon, or as some would say, Mrs. Saggy Cleavage,” he continued, ignoring Inej’s hissed protests to be polite, “You’re telling me, that you’re more concerned that the person pissing in the stall adjacent to your kid has the wrong genitalia than the fact that you’re so oblivious to everything but your own ego and opinions that you didn’t even notice that I have your watch which is probably worth a couple grand?” Sharon turned bright red and began making small angry sounds. Matthias thought she looked like a thin teapot that was about to aggressively boil over. Kaz simply smirked and tossed the watch at her. She caught it, ungracefully, and returned it to her wrist.

“You little scoundrel you,” she yelled, her face a rather unattractive shade of tomato paste red, “How dare you, take my possessions. Your child should be taken from you immediately. You are clearly a terrible influence-”

“Like you aren’t,” Kaz said, “They call me Dirtyhands for a reason Sharon.”

Wylan couldn’t help but laugh at Kaz’s antics, especially his use of the ‘Saggy Cleavage’ nickname. Jesper shifted restlessly in his seat beside him. Wylan could tell he wanted in on the action too.

“Sharon, calm your tits, that shade of red isn’t very attractive,” Jesper snickered, “Oh wait, you’re not even attractive in the first place. How many years has it been since something other than a 2-inch dildo was inside you?”

“3 and a half years,” Kaz chimed in, “I know your husband is cheating on you with 3 different prostitutes Sharon.” Sharon had turned an even deeper shade of red, something Wylan didn’t think was humanly possible.

“John! CHEATING ON ME!!! You lying little brat! He’d never do that. He loves me with his entire heart and would never do that!” She screeched, “Isn’t that right John?” Her voice was comparable to a vulture’s in Wylan’s opinion. A tall brunette man in the front of the room nodded.

“I love you Sharon hun,” he said in a raspy voice. Wylan could feel the insincerity dripping from that statement. It was just like when his father had said ‘I love you’ to him, in that forced, strained voice of someone that was saying something to be polite. 

“Then why do I have this note from Brianna that was conveniently located in John’s back pocket,” Kaz said. John had started to sweat noticeably. Kaz llimped to the front of the room and slammed the note in front of Sharon. Her face contorted as she read the note into one of the ugliest expressions Wylan had ever seen on a human. It was an accurate representation of her personality in his opinion.

“John! Can I talk to you in the hallway for a second,” she said, her voice dripping with venom. She grabbed his arm and began pulling him towards the door. Wylan watched them go, a look of mild amusement on his face. It was just like Kaz to pull something like this. Jesper was doubled over with laughter.

“Bitch got what she deserved,” he giggled. Wylan turned to see Kaz in his seat next to Inej, his usual neutral, calculating expression resting on his face. Matthias had buried his head in his arms. Inej looked like she couldn’t decide whether or not she was exasperated or amused. Nina was laughing her ass off next to Matthias. And all around them, everyone was talking, frantically theorizing on what was happening between John and Sharon in the hallway, behind the seemingly soundproof conference room door.

Kaz Brekker smiled to himself. His master plan was underway.


	3. Sweet Cherry Pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Wylan and Jesper are fucking nerds.

Much to Matthias’ relief, the meeting ended an hour early due to Sharon’s unexpected drama with John. The room was abuzz with the new juicy gossip of John’s affairs with the so-called prostitute. He breathed a sigh of relief as he extracted himself from the confining, tiny plastic chair. Everyone’s voice sounded the same, just in different pitches. The room sounded like a demonic harmony of middle-aged women. Wait. The room was full of demonic middle-aged women.

“Well, that was quite a nice first meeting don’t you agree,” Nina said cheerfully as they shouldered their way through the crowd, “I’m looking forward to more of the meetings.”

“You want to come back? Nina have you gone insane, oh wait, you already were. Have you gone even more insane,” Matthias shouted over the clamor.

“No silly,” she replied, “I genuinely enjoy this, plus think of Niklas, this is all for him remember.” Matthias did not want another lecture about how involvement was crucial for the educational development of a child. Maybe he’d be “working” when it came time for the next meeting. He had almost made it out the door when he was waylaid by Wylan and Jesper both wearing huge smiles.

“What do you want,” he growled. The blonde was not in the mood to deal with any more pranks or jokes.

“Hey Matthias, wasn’t that fucking dope man?” Jesper grinned. Wylan was too busy trying to steal the car keys to say anything.

“No. That was awful. I don’t ever want to come back but that woman I call a wife is making me. Back when I was a _Druskelle-_ ” he was cut off by a triumphant cry from Wylan, who had successfully nabbed the keys.

“I’m driving this time,” he crowed, “bitch.” Jesper simply looked amused.

“Fine, just don’t crash. I like that car you know,” the sharpshooter responded, winking at the smaller man. Matthias rolled his eyes at their childish antics. The three were soon joined by Inej, Kaz, and Nina, all of whom were carrying large amounts of Nina’s cake, which was presumably the only edible thing on the food table.

“Hey,” Kaz said around a mouthful of cake, “If you took baked goods, the only ones worth putting in your mouth are the cake, the cookies that are clearly from Safeway, and the overly sweet lumps of fudge. Everything else is inedible.”

“The cake is super good,” Inej chimed in. She was currently latched onto Kaz like a little shadow. Nina bounced up and down excitedly, her long brown hair flowing in the slight breeze. Despite how much she irked him sometimes, Matthias thought she was beautiful.

“I’m so glad you liked it. This is the first time I’ve made cake with lemons,” she said, bouncing over to Matthias and shoving a forkful into his mouth. “Here hon, maybe some sugar will make you sweeter!” Matthias glared at her, swallowing the sugary deliciousness as he did so. His tongue was still not acclimated to overly sweet things even though he lived with someone who was considered the queen of baked goods.

“Ughmpppph Nina, this is really good hun but it can’t be healthy,” he said, wiping his mouth with his forearm, “Back when I was a _Druskelle_ -” he was cut off by another forkful of cake from Nina.

“Come on Matthias, we gotta go get Niklas from soccer, see you later guys,” she waved cheerily at the other four before jumping into the jet black Ford escape that she and Matthias drove and sped off, ignoring the blonde’s requests for her to slow down.

Kaz hastily ducked behind Jesper’s tall frame, yanking a surprised Inej with him. He breathed a sigh of relief as Helen walked passed, babbling away on her phone. He had his fill of social interaction for the day and he most certainly didn’t want to deal with the obnoxious woman again.

“Who was that,” Inej asked, startled. Kaz usually didn’t do anything suddenly. Everything was always calculated and well thought out.

“Helen,” he grumbled, rubbing his bad leg idely, “also known as the most odious woman alive,” he and Jesper said at the same time. The two looked at each other, surprised.

“Did you two rehearse that,” Inej looked at them suspiciously. Kaz shook his head.

“Well she is actually the most odious woman alive. She makes Sharon look tame. We were sitting near her and I swear, words fly out of her mouth faster than bullets out of a ShKAS gun,” Jesper grumbled.

“Not all of us have your talent of disappearing wraith,” Kaz smiled, “Come on, let’s go get Ronan before he gets impatient and murders someone with that metal bat of his.” He began striding towards Inej’s Porsche, Inej close behind. Wylan clambered awkwardly into the driver’s seat of the Jeep Wrangler Jesper had bought. He probably looked like one of those stupid teen drivers that ran every single red light they could possibly run. He always looked younger than he actually was.

“Don’t crash,” Jesper said playfully, punching the volume button until it was at maximum strength.

“I won’t dipshit,” Wylan yelled over the bass that filled the car. He groaned as Jesper started singing. Wylan was used to Jesper’s drunken and sober attempts at singing, but it was horrible every time.

“SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE, COOL DRINK OF WATER SUCH A SWEET SURPRISE,” the sharpshooter yelled.

“Close the window would you, others can hear,” Wylan groaned, “Also, that’s really straight Jesper.” The latter ignored him and continued belting out lyrics.

“TASTE SO GOOD MAKE A POOR MAN CRY, SWEET CHERRY PIE!” Wylan was saved from the hideous sound by a guitar riff which ended all too soon.

“SWINGIN ON THE FRONT, SWINGIN ON THE LAAAAAAAWN, SWINGIN WHERE WE WANT CAUSE THERE AIN’T NOBODY HOOOOOOME! SWINGIN TO THE LEFT, SWINGIN TO THE RIGHT, THINK ‘BOUT BASEBALL SWING ALL NIIIIIIIIIGHT. YEAH! YEAH YEEAAAAAAAAH,” Jesper yelled. Wylan cringed and tried to ignore the stares that the Jeep was attracting. He prayed to whatever gods were out there that all the lights stayed green.

“Stoooooop,” he begged, but to no avail.

“SWINGIN IN THE LIVIN ROOM, SWINGIN IN THE KITCHEN. MOST FOLKS DON’T CAUSE THEY’RE TOO BUSY BITCHIN! SWINGIN IN THEIR CAUSE SHE WANTED ME TO FEED HER SO I MIXED UP THE BATTER AND SHE LICKED THE BEATER. I SCREAM YOU SCREAM,” he pointed at Wylan, who blushed, “WE ALL SCREAM FOR, DON’T EVEN TRY CAUSE YOU CAN’T IGNORE HER!!!!” The smaller man sighed. If he couldn’t stop his boyfriend, he might as well join him.

“SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE,” the pair sang, if one could even call it singing, “COOL DRINK OF WATER SUCH A SWEET SURPRISE, TASTE SO GOOD MAKE A POOR MAN CRY, SWEET CHERRY PIE!!! OH YEA SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE, 10 MILES WIDE, LOOK SO GOOD BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE, SWEET CHERRY PIE!!!!!! YEAAAH”

“SWINGIN TO THE DRUMS, SWINGIN TO GUITAR, SWINGIN TO THE BASS IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. AIN’T GOT MONEY, AIN’T GOT NO GAS, BUT WE’LL GET WHERE WE’RE GOING IF WE SWING REAL FAST” Wylan screamed.

“WELL I SCREAM YOU SCREAM WE ALL SCREAM FOR, DON’T EVEN TRY CAUSE YOU CAN’T IGNORE HER,” Jesper continued.

“SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE,” they launched into the chorus at full volume, “COOL DRINK OF WATER SUCH A SWEET SURPRISE, TASTE SO GOOD MAKE A POOR MAN CRY, SWEET CHERRY PIE, OH YEAH, SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE, PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE, 10 MILES WIDE! LOOK SOOOOOO GOOD BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE, SWEET CHERRY PIIIIIIIEEE YEAAAAH, PIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! YEA SWING IT!!!! ALLLL NIGHT LOOOOOOONG! SWING IT!!!!!” Jesper began to aggressively play air guitar, “I’m a trained professional!”

“SWINGING IN THE BATHROOM SWINGIN ON THE FLOOR, SWINGING TOO HARD, FORGOT TO LOCK THE DOOR,” Wylan honestly did not care who heard him now.

“IN WALKED HER DADDY STANDING 6 FOOT 4 SAID you ain’t gonna swing with my daughter no mooooooore,” Jesper’s voice dropped an octave, causing Wylan to giggle and almost run the stop sign.

“SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE, COOL DRINK OF WATER SUCH A SWEET SURPRISE, TASTE SO GOOD MAKE A POOR MAN CRY, SWEET CHERRY PIE, OH YEA, SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE, 10 MILES WIDE, LOOK SO GOOD BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE, SWEET CHERRY PIE, SWEET CHERRY PIEEEEEEEEEE! SWING IT!” they finished the song just in time to see Matthias glaring at them from the car adjacent to them.

“Oooops,” Wylan giggled, “Looks like we were busted. Also, Jesper, you lost the bet again. It’s been 20 minutes and I haven’t crashed.”

“Shut up. I guess we should go get Elena now,” Jesper said lightly. Wylan nodded in agreement, turning onto the street that led to their house.

“But first, I need some pie,” he smirked, “What is it?” he asked as Jesper’s face contorted.

“Well, it looks like Kaz also heard our little performance on the highway,” Jesper said, still staring at his phone screen intently. Wylan turned bright red and slammed his face into the steering wheel.

“Fuck.”


	4. Kaz has a what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Ronan Brekker, the son of Kaz Brekker. Yes, Kaz has a child.

 Kaz and Inej returned home to a rather angry message from Ronan’s teacher, demanding to see them immediately.

“Ronan,” Kaz called, removing his coat and tossing it on the chair, “What the hell did you do this time? Why is your teacher leaving rather angry messages on the machine?” A lanky 9-year appeared at the top of the stairs. Ronan Brekker greatly resembled his father, but had his mother’s figure. He had the same angular face and calculating eyes, granted they still gleamed with childish innocence, but he had the same lithe body as Inej. He was fairly strong for his age from playing baseball and doing gymnastics, both of which he excelled at.

“I didn’t do anything,” he said smoothly. Kaz rolled his eyes. His son was incredibly good at keeping a neutral expression, but not as good as the one known as Dirtyhands.

“Suuuuure. So how do you explain that call that is currently sitting on the messaging machine?” He retorted, narrowing his eyes slightly at his son who returned his gaze steadily.

“It was a mistake.”

“Yes, because there are so many Ronans in your class. Just tell me so we know what to expect when we walk into that office okay? I probably won’t get mad,” Kaz intensified his stare. Ronan gritted his teeth and looked down.

“Fine. I may or may not have climbed something,” Ronan said, staring intently at his feet. Kaz smirked to himself. Of course Ronan would pull shit like that. He was Inej’s kid too after all.

“You did what?” Inej had silently appeared around the corner. Ronan jumped in surprise. Kaz remained completely still.

“Jesus Mom, you scared me,” Ronan whined, “And Dad, don’t tell me you weren’t scared by that you’re just too good at the stupid neutral expression thing.”

“I see everything,” Kaz said patiently, “Now, tell her what you did. She’ll probably be proud of you.”

“I, er, climbed on something I shouldn’t have and they got mad at me,” Ronan pouted. He had descended to the bottom step and was sitting in front of Inej, who ruffled his already-messy black hair.

“Alright, we better get going Inej,” Kaz said. He glanced at Ronan. “Don’t worry, we probably won’t be mad unless you don’t finish your work by the time we come back.” Ronan rolled his eyes, but retreated back up the stairs. “There’s cake that Nina made in the fridge,” he called after Ronan before following Inej back to the Porsche and speeding back to Ketterdam Elementary School.

“Ugh,” Inej sighed, “And we just got back too.” Kaz nodded in agreement, pulling his thin leather black gloves over his hands. He would inevitably have to shake hands with Ronan’s teacher so he wanted to be prepared. Even after all these years, physical contact with anyone who was not Inej or Ronan made him shudder.

“I hope we don’t get towed,” Kaz grumbled as the Porsche rolled into the small parking lot of Ketterdam Elementary School. Inej had parked in the principal’s spot.

“We won’t. Now come on dumbass, we’re gonna be late and get another 2 million calls from that man on them machine,” Inej began to half drag Kaz towards the door. They wandered through what seemed like a ridiculous amount of halls for an elementary school before finally reaching the office of Ronan’s teacher, Mr. White. He was a tall man with snow white hair and one of the biggest resting bitch faces Kaz had ever seen.

“Hello Kaz, Inej,” Mr.White stood up and shook both their hands.

“Hello Brad,” Inej said pleasantly. Kaz returned the greeting as well, albeit in a slightly less-than-friendly tone.

“Would you, um like to take your gloves off Kaz,” he inquired. Kaz shook his head, his gaze level.

“So, what did Ronan do this time,” Inej asked before Kaz could say something snarky. She attempted to step on his foot as a warning only to find he had sensed her intent and moved it.  Mr. White puffed out his chest.

“Your son,” he said, before taking a deep breath, “Climbed up some trash cans and the gutter and on to the roof of the school during afternoon recess. I cannot tolerate such behavior in my class. Not only was he a danger to himself, but to others. He’s only 9. What would happen if he, or any other child of his age for that matter, fell from that height? It’s unacceptable, and you must discipline him immediately.”

“I can’t speak for other children, but I’m pretty sure Ronan would be fine,” Inej smirked, “How high is the roof again?” Mr. White looked utterly confused.

“It’s at least 30 feet up off the ground if not more. I don’t see how you can simply not care,” he said, his face turning pink.

“His mom’s an acrobat, taught him everything she knew about falling. The worst that would happen is a few scrapes,” Kaz said, winking at Inej who smirked.

“You’re telling me, a 9-year old child knows how to safely land from a fall that high up. And besides, he’s a distraction to his classmate’s learning process when he pulls stunts like that. I’d have him suspended if I could,” Mr. White continued on his angry tirade. Kaz ignored him. Inej looked mildly annoyed but said nothing. Finally, Kaz had enough of the white-haired man’s voice.

“Thank you Brad. It was pleasure,” he said dryly, “I’ll be sure to talk to Ronan about this little…incident.” He and Inej shook the teacher’s hand one last time before departing.

“See, I told you the Porsche wouldn’t get towed,” Inej said lightly.

“I don’t like that man. He should worry less about what Ronan is doing in his free time and more about teaching those kids how to fucking add,” Kaz grumbled irritably as he climbed into the car. The purr of the engine calmed him.

“I know you don’t hun,” Inej said, “Now, what exactly are we going to say to Ronan about this? I’m not exactly mad he climbed on the roof to be completely honest. I think it’s rather amusing.”

“Neither am I,” Kaz admitted, “I couldn’t care less where he climbs as long as he isn’t drunk off his ass like Jesper.”

“Kaz! He’s 9. You already taught him how to cuss someone out, be a good influence,” Inej chastised.

“Eh, at the most let’s just tell him that he needs to stop climbing on public school roofs for now because Mr. White has a stick the size of the entire Barrel up his ass,” Kaz said. Inej would have punched him had he not been driving.

“Kaz Brekker. We are not telling our child that his teacher has a stick the size of the entire Barrel up his ass. Imagine what would happen if he repeated that,” the former acrobat glared at her husband, who simply gave her a half-smile in return.

“Good for him. He’s voicing his opinions. It’s not any worse than what Jesper taught Elena, think about that,” he retorted. It was true. Kaz was fairly certain that Jesper not only taught his daughter how to swear like a sailor, he also allowed her occasional sips of choice alcoholic beverages. Not that Kaz thought it was a bad thing though. Early exposure was good. Besides, Wylan was probably keeping his wild boyfriend under control.

“Respect Kaz,” Inej said in a warning tone, “We need to teach Ronan how to live like a somewhat normal person. We don’t want him having what our lives used to be, remember?”

“He can have whatever life he chooses to have,” Kaz shrugged, “But yes, I do agree, I would not like him to go down that road in life.”  He pulled into the driveway and clambered out of the car. Inej had already somehow made it to the door and unlocked it.

“Ronan,” Kaz called from the doorway, “Come here, we want to talk to you about what happened today.” A rather sullen looking mini-Kaz came pattering down the stairs. Kaz patted his head.

“Don’t worry, we aren’t mad kiddo. Mr. White just has a stick the size of the entire Barrel up his ass.” This caused Ronan to laugh and Inej to make a sound of disapproval.

“Don’t listen to your father Ronan, Mr. White is respectable man, albeit his priorities are a little skewed. All we’re going to ask is that you don’t climb on school buildings during school. After school, before school, we don’t care. We know that you know how to not be stupid, but other kids don’t understand okay, and if they try to copy you, they could get hurt and then we inevitably get sued because that’s how today’s society works,” Inej’s voice had a hint of sarcasm towards the end of her statement.

“And also because I hate dealing with that man,” Kaz grumbled good-naturedly, “Come on Ronan, let’s go get food. Did you finish all your work?” The pair began heading towards the kitchen, Inej close behind like a little shadow.

“Yeah, but I want to go back and redo one thing. I like the whole stick the size of the entire barrel up his ass phrase,” Ronan grinned up at his father. Kaz couldn’t help but smile.

“Nice Ronan, proud of you, you’re gonna make a great me someday.”  


	5. Why Did I Marry You? (an excerpt from the mind of Matthias Helvar)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Niklas Helvar, the son of Matthias Helvar. Yes, he looks like Matthias, no, he is not anything like his grumpy tulip father.

“Heeeeeeey Matthias,” Nina giggled from the driver’s seat of their Ford Escape. Her eyes were bright with mischief.

“What Nina,” Matthias said, groaning internally. He was not in the mood for any of her weird pranks.

“Babe you had a crush on me, how embarrassing,” she teased. Matthias looked over, a look of utter confusion plastered over his face.

“We’re married Nina. And we have a son,” he said,  “Is this some sort of joke, because if it is, I swear to god, back when I was a _Druskelle-_ ”

“Yes, but you had a crush on me,” Nina stuck her tongue out in the blonde’s general direction.

“I hate you,” Matthias grumbled, crossing his arms and staring at his lap. He refused to let Nina see his ever-growing blush.

“Sure you do,” came Nina’s response. Matthias growled something unintelligible under his breath but otherwise said nothing. “I win,” Nina crowed triumphantly, causing Matthias to glare at his pants even harder. He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the slam of the door to the backseat and the sound of a very loud, very dirty 10-year old throwing himself onto the seat.

“Hey Nik, how was practice,” Nina said, tossing a PowerBar from the glove compartment behind her. The blonde boy in the backseat caught it with ease.

“It was good. I scored 6 goals today, 6 Mom,” he said. He was practically glowing with pride. Matthias couldn’t help but smile. His son was pretty good at soccer and it made Matthias’ heart burst with pride whenever he saw him play.

“Nice Nik, you’re gonna be amazing someday, I just know it,” he said, reaching back at patting his son’s grass-stained knee. Niklas Helvar was almost a carbon copy of Matthias. He was tall, had the same fair skin, golden-blonde hair that reached his shoulders, and piercing blue eyes. However, his personality came completely from Nina. He was incredibly good at flirting for his age and was a very sociable child, wanting to make friends with everyone he met.  He most certainly got the ability to socialize from Nina.  

“Did I tell you, I have a girlfriend,” Niklas chattered excitedly from the backseat. Nina smirked. The childish romance of elementary schoolers never failed to amuse her. Matthias looked genuinely intruiged.

“Ooooh, Nik the ladykiller,” Nina smirked. Matthias rolled his eyes. There were some things about his wife he just never understood.

“Awww, don’t say that Mom, I really do like her,” Niklas said bashfully, rubbing the back of his head. That was one other thing he had inherited from Matthias: the habit of running his hands through his hair or rubbing his head when he was embarrassed. “Her name’s Rose and she’s super cute. We have reading together. She made me a flower crown at recess out of dandelions.”

“That’s sweet Niklas, don’t you think Matthias,” Nina nudged the tall blonde with her elbow.

“Oh…yeah, yeah of course, wanna invite her over or something?” he said awkwardly.

“Yeah,” Niklas said excitedly, “That would be super cool, can I pleeeeease?”

“Sure, we’ll schedule something. I’ll make a special cake for your special lady,” Nina winked. Niklas blushed profusely.

“Stop Mom,” the little blonde grumbled. Nina bit back a laugh. Her son looked exactly like her husband when he was annoyed.

“Oh alright,” she said, feigning disappointment, “I have roast chicken and potatoes in the fridge for dinner that Matthias made a few days ago. We’re going to celebrate your first girlfriend!” Matthias rolled his eyes but he secretly enjoyed his wife’s silly antics. She really was a great mom, even If she was a Grisha.

“There is one kid though at soccer, he really annoys me,” Niklas said as he hopped out of the car and ran towards the door.

“Who,” Matthias inquired, “Enlighten me.”

“His name’s Sam and he’s really stuck up. He’s one of the goalies and he thinks he’s super good but he’s not. He lets in so many goals in practice but acts like he’s the best one there and it seriously annoys me,” Niklas replied, kicking his shoes off.

“Oh that sucks,” Nina said sympathetically.

“He’s nice otherwise,” Niklas shrugged. Matthias was impressed with how genuinely nice his son was. Even when people annoyed him, he still found good qualities about them. Matthias didn’t think Niklas could genuinely hate anyone, which was probably a good thing.

“Well at least there is one good thing about him,” Nina pulled into their driveway, “What do you two want for dinner?”

“Anything’s fine,” said Matthias as he unlocked the front door.

“Do we still have that barbeque chicken,” Niklas asked, “Cause that was really good and I’m hungry.”

“I know you are, patience young padawan,” Matthias chuckled, mussing his son’s hair.

“Heh, like you have any,” Nina smirked, “We both know where he gets it.” Matthias glared at her. She laughed, punching his arm good-naturedly. “Lighten up, or your face will freeze.”

“Yeah Dad,” Niklas giggled, “I’d be embarrassed to be around you if you looked like that all the time.”

“Are you kidding me, he always has some variety of that expression on his ugly mug whenever I drag him places, think of what I have to deal with Nik,” Nina teased, causing the boy to laugh. Matthias swore he heard traces of Nina in that laugh.   

“So, anything new with your friends?” he asked. Nik nodded enthusiastically, his blonde hair bouncing up and down.

“Yeah! The science fair is coming up and I think Elena is entering. Her project is going to be super cool, ‘specially cause Wylan and Jesper are helping her! And Ronan was named captain of his team recently how awesome is that? I want to be captain, but we switch every game and it hasn’t been my turn yet. And Ronan wants the 3 of us to come hang out with him in the park and Inej is making ice cream can I go Dad please?” the 9-year old hopped around excitedly. Matthias looked at Nina, who nodded.

“I suppose, but on one condition,” Matthias said, “That you take out the garbage in your room, it’s bound to overflow sometime and the last thing we need is ants.”

“Fineeeee, deal” came Nik’s reply as he ran up the stairs, “Can you help me with math later?” Matthias nodded.

“What kind of math is it?”

“Boring things, fractions and probability. I don’t like it. Ronan’s really good at math. He’s in 6th grade math already, and so is Elena,” Niklas pouted, “I wish I was a smart as them.”

“You are smart hun, you’re at a 7th grade reading level remember, and you know way more things about history than I ever did, even at the height of my educational career, if one could call it that,” Nina chimed in, flipping her tawny brown hair into a braid as she removed a large portion of leftover chicken from the fridge and threw it in the oven. The smell of barbeque sauce and meat wafted through the house, making everyone’s mouth water. Out of Kaz’s crew, Nina was by far the best one at cooking. Inej was decent, but usually didn’t want to put in the effort. Kaz and Wylan could make a few simple things. Matthias could make cereal or sandwiches or anything that didn’t require a stove. Jesper, well, Jesper was the polar opposite of domestic. He would probably burn the house down making a bowl of instant oatmeal.

“Thanks Mom,” Niklas said. He attempted to grab a cookie while Nina’s back was turned, but failed miserably. Nina’s foot caught his ankle causing the 9-year old to stumble back.

“I’ve lived with your father for 4 years, I know all the tricks,” she smirked, “Don’t think you can sneak past me that easily Niklas Helvar. You can have one later when you’re doing your homework okay? I’ll make some hot cocoa to go along with it. Yes,” she added upon seeing Matthias’ puppy dog eyes, “I’ll make enough for you too.” Nina’s hot cocoa was one of the best anyone in Kaz’s crew had ever tasted. Even Matthias, the anti-sweet, anti-everything-good-in-life, ex-Druskelle couldn’t help but love it.

“Thanks babe,” he kissed the tawny hair gently. “Shit, the chicken’s burning,” he sprinted to the oven and threw the door open, almost wrenching it off in the process. The rancid smell of burnt meat filled the air, causing Nina to cough and fan the air with a hand.

“Well, there goes that dinner idea, anyone want pizza?”  


	6. Proof Jesper is Actually 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Elena Fahey, the adopted daughter of Wesper.

 “Jesper,” Wylan said in a rather odd tone of voice, “Why is half of the front lawn singed?”

“I think that was Elena’s science fair project,” Jesper said sheepishly, “She wanted to make mini versions of different kinds of bombs…and I may have helped her test them.” Wylan laughed.

“I see she’s taking after me. I blew up one of my father’s sheds when I was around her age. Bastard deserved it,” Jesper thought he heard a hint of bitterness creep into his boyfriend’s voice, but it disappeared as soon as it came. Wylan tried to avoid thinking about his father. His depression had only recently improved with the help of medication and Jesper’s undying support, but there were days it was still bad and Wylan wanted only to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling with unseeing eyes. It also helped that his father was currently in prison in another country.

“Come on,” Jesper gently touched his smaller boyfriend’s arm, “Let’s go okay?” Wylan nodded, forcing a smile on his face. He never wanted Elena to see the side of him that wasn’t happy-go-lucky and eccentric all the time.

“Yeah,” he said shakily, “Let’s order Chinese food and go check on Elena before she blows up the house like her Dad.” Jesper kissed his cheek softly before entering the house which was eerily quiet considering Elena was a 10 year old girl with a fondness for guns and explosives.

“Elena?” called Wylan, looking around the living room in search of his daughter.

“In here,” came a tired-sounding child’s voice from the kitchen. Wylan and Jesper entered to see papers strewn about and a very frustrated girl sitting in the middle of them all.

“What’s up Elena,” Jesper said, “Why does it look like Wy filled a bomb with paper and set it off in the kitchen?”

“It’s not working, my science fair project,” she frowned. Elena Fahey was Wylan and Jesper’s adopted daughter. They had met her when she was 2 and Wylan had instantly fallen in love. Despite Jesper’s early hesitations about adopting a child, he had to admit it was one of the best decisions of his life. Elena was half-Asian and had long glossy black hair. She was tall for her age and extremely smart. She had Jesper’s sense of humor, but Wylan’s shy, easily excitable personality. And she shared their love for both guns and bomb.

“Come on Elena, let’s take a break,” Wylan tapped her shoulder sympathetically, “We’re gonna order Chinese food and go on a Marvel binge.” Everyone knew that everyone in the Fahey family was a giant nerd.

“That sounds nice, but I really need to, it’s…” she trailed off. Jesper grinned at her.

“Lighten up or you’ll end up like Matthias,” he laughed, “Come on, you can take the night off. We’ll help you in the morning kay? Bombs are Dad’s specialty.” She smiled at the comment.

“Sure,” she said, slowly unfolding her lanky body from the floor and standing up.

“First, we gotta clean this up,” Jesper said, “I’ll order food, Wylan will help you. What does everyone want?”

“Hot and sour soup and chicken stir fry,” Wyaln said, “extra spicy please.”

“Xiao long bao and steamed buns,” Elena called from the spacious room that Jesper affectionately dubbed the “Rage-Quit room”, mostly due to Wylan’s unnatural aggression when playing games. Wylan’s gaming habits were part of the reason Elena knew how to cuss like a sailor, and consequently, almost getting suspended for cussing out a boy for chasing her around the playground.

“So what’s new at school,” Wylan said casually, scooping up papers and returning them to the large green folder labled ‘Science’ on the table.

“Eh nothing much. Carson keeps bothering me but it’s not too bad. There’s a really cute girl in the other class that has recess at the same time as me. I found a really nice looking flower on the field and gave it to her. She smiled at me. I think I’m in love,” Elena said dreamily. Wylan smirked. _Just like her fathers, she’s our little gay miracle_.

“Aha, she’s a lucky girl, what’s her name?” he smirked. Elena blushed.

“Alice, like Alice in Wonderland,” she said, “It’s a really cool name.”

“What does she look like,” Wylan knew he shouldn’t tease Elena, but it was too much fun.

“She’s blonde and has blue eyes, but her parents let her dye a purple streak in her hair. She’s super smart too, she’s in the math class ahead of me! She also likes books and Supernatural and Sherlock,” Elena said, a little smile creeping onto her face.

“Sounds like she was raised well,” Jesper entered the room, “The food should arrive in 20 minutes so make yourselves comfortable. I’m going to go get the brownies and ice cream.”

“Let’s play Uncharted while we wait for food,” Wylan suggested. Jesper and Elena nodded enthusiastically. Watching Wylan play video games was one of the funniest things they had ever witnessed.

10 minutes later, the scene in the Fahey household was not so serene. Wylan was standing on the table screaming at the TV. He had just died for the 10th time and he was only in the 14th chapter.

“I’LL SPREAD YOUR ANUS AND SHOVE IT INSIDE YOU,” he screamed as he maneuvered Nathan Drake, the main character, around the screen, shooting randomly at enemies that darted around in the bushes. “CUNT,” he screamed for about the 5th time. Jesper was practically on the floor with laughter. “OH YOU BLOCKED IT,” Wylan was turning red, “SUCK MY WEINER ASSHOLE!!!”

“Calm Dad,” Elena said, stifling a laugh.

“FUCK YOU MUFFIN HEAD!!!!”

“Okay then.”

20 minutes later, once their food had arrived, a very dejected Wylan was cuddled up against Jesper who had gently put his arm around Elena. The trio was surrounded by empty and half-eaten containers of Chinese food. A plate that contained a mixture of brownie and melted ice cream sat precariously at the edge of the coffee table. Wylan figured he should move it before someone knocked it over, but he was too lazy. Maybe Jesper would do it. Okay that was just wishful thinking.   

“Dad, what’s an integral,” Elena suddenly asked, catching Jesper and Wylan off-guard.

“The antiderivative of a function,” Wylan mumbled, pressing his face into his boyfriend’s shoulder. Elena frowned.

“Dad’s tired don’t mind him,” Jesper said, “an integral isn’t something you’ll learn till you’re big like me. Why do you ask?”

“I read it in the book I was reading for science fair,” she said, “It was pretty. Like an s but less curvy.” Wylan snorted at the description.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jesper said, “Wylan will help you with the math shit.”

“That’s a bad word Dad,” Elena snickered. Jesper stuck his tongue out at her.

“Says the one who nearly got suspended for their potty mouth.” Elena glared at him and stuck her tongue out. Their argument was interrupted by a loud crash and a string of cuss words from Wylan, muffled only by the fabric of Jesper’s sweatshirt. Everyone looked up to see the plate of ice cream and brownies that had been precariously balancing on the table had capsized, leaving a rather large puddle of diabetes on the floor.

“I knew I should’ve moved it,” Wylan grumbled, “It looks like someone with a serious stomach virus took a shit on the floor.”

“Awwwww, and we just got to the good part too,” Jesper whined, “Can’t it wait, pleeeeeasE?”

“Jesper what are you, 5? Do you really want to scrape brownies and ice cream out of a crusty ass carpet because it dried tomorrow morning before work?”

“Who said I was doing it?”

“I have to leave at 5:30 and get on a plane to New York Jesper, I am not waking up half an hour earlier to clean what looks like actual shit out of the carpet.”

“I’m going to bed goodnight,” Elena rolled her eyes.

“Good it’s past your bedtime,” Wylan and Jesper said in unison before high fiving.

“Nerds.”

“Love you too sweetie.”


	7. Wylan Van Eck vs. The Stale Overcooked Radish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The PTA saga continues as the crew attends their second ever meeting.

A week had passed since the first meeting and nothing too major had happened. Kaz and Inej hadn’t received any more hysterical calls from Mr. White over Ronan climbing things, Elena thankfully didn’t blow up any more parts of the house or yard, and Niklas was his usual angelic smiling self. Granted, Jesper had woken up to a rather grumpy text from Wylan over the carpet, and Matthias had accidently broken the smoke detector when it wouldn’t stop beeping, but fortunately for Kaz’s crew, no other drama happened. That was probably about to change. Matthias was currently in the front seat of the Ford, deeply regretting his life as Nina sped towards the second meeting of the Ketterdam Elementary School PTA. Matthias couldn’t believe he had forgotten about it.

“Nina,” he grumbled, “You can’t be wanting to go back, after that little stunt Kaz pulled.”

“Of course I do dumbass,” she said lightly, “It’s for Nik, remember.” Matthias glared at his shoes and said nothing. Ketterdam Elementary never seemed malicious to Matthias, but now it loomed up, like a giant dungeon, or a mental institution where all the staff quit and the patients ran around like wild animals. The bright colors of children’s artwork that lined the walls looked like demons, waiting to grab Matthias from the shadows and suck him into the insanity. Every twist and turn through the pleasantly illuminated hallways cause his muscles to tense up as he prepared for the worst. When they finally reached the conference room, the constant chatter and bustle sounded harsh and grating to Matthias, and the undersized plastic chair seemed to glare at him menacingly. He glared back.

“Matthias,” Nina looked at him strangely, “Why are you glaring at a blue plastic chair, I get you don’t wanna be here but seriously that’s weird.”

“Oh sorry,” he said, awkwardly folding his body to fit in the chair designed for someone significantly smaller. He’d rather sit in that abominable thing than interact with people. He gazed around the room, trying to keep a neutral expression. _How is Kaz so good at that_ he thought to himself. Everyone still looked the same. There were tall thin blondes weary gaudy fake jewelry, the fat woman in another hideous track suit(orange with tiger print), husbands holding their wives purses looking like they wanted to defenestrate themselves, and of course Helen’s toxic constant babble. Kaz and Inej were nowhere to be seen. _Maybe they won’t show, and then I can convince Nina to leave_ he hoped. Much to Matthias’ surprise, Wylan and Jesper had already arrived. Punctuality was definitely not their thing. Wylan looked exhausted, but he looked happy to be with his boyfriend. Matthias wondered how many of the other PTA-goers were aware that the two were actually a couple or if everyone secretly knew and was just denying it.

A loud cough came from the front of the room. Matthias turned to see a rather large woman who was definitely not Sharon waddle up to the front of the room. Her grey hair, which was probably light brown at some point in her life, fell in clumps around her shoulders.

“Excuse me, we’re starting now,” she said. Everyone ignored her. “Excuse me,” she said, louder this time. And thus, the meeting started.

“She looks like a stale overcooked radish,” Matthias almost jumped out of his seat. Kaz had somehow appeared beside him, and was calmly facing the front of the room.

“As many of you know, my name is Mara,” the woman at the front of the room said, “Sharon can sadly no longer attend. She had certain issues to deal with. I’ve become president of the PTA. Please respect me or I’ll have to kick you out,” she said in what Matthias considered to be an overly-loud voice for such a small enclosed space.

“Great,” Kaz muttered to himself.

“First order of business, we need to address the issue of kids cussing. I walk around downtown and I hear the most awful vulgar things spewing from your children’s mouths. It’s so unsightly and it hurts my soul. I think we need to spend our budget on adequately educating our children on classic works of literature,” she droned. Matthias had already begun to tune her out and by the looks of it, so had Kaz. He was staring up at the ceiling, his feet casually resting on the vacant chair in front of him. “Also on a side note,” Mara continued, “Not that we’re technically supposed to discuss political views here, but y’all should vote for Hillary because she’s a woman, and I know everyone here is a feminist.”

“Can you maybe chill?” Of course it was Jesper who spoke up, “Look, I’m a feminist and all, but you shouldn’t vote for someone just because of their gender, you should vote for someone because you agree with their ideas and genuinely believe it will help the country.”

“How ‘bout maybe you chill,” Matthias grumbled. He personally agreed with Jesper, but was in no mood for drama.   

“Listen, electing Hillary Clinton would be a historic event and an important step forward for the feminism act,” Mara puffed up her chest.

“Knock knock get the door it’s ignorance,” Wylan said quietly, causing Jesper to snicker. Mara was turning a rather ugly shade of red.

“You, young man, are very disrespectful. You just interrupted your elder you know that right, apologize immediately,” she snapped. Wylan just stared at her and said nothing. Finally, she caved and continued her seemingly directionless rant. Matthias groaned and buried his heads in his hands. Even Nina looked vaguely irritated. Wylan was playing solitaire on his phone. Jesper was “helping” Wylan. Inej had fallen asleep on Kaz’s shoulder and the latter looked slightly unnerved by the sudden physical contact.  And as for Kaz, he was calmly observing the ceiling, eating another brownie he had seemingly stolen from the snack table.

“Are you serious Kaz, again,” Matthias hissed, “When I was a _Druskelle-_ ” he was cut off abruptly by a mouthful of overly-sweet, extremely dry but somehow extremely undercooked brownie. He looked frantically for a trash can only to be bitterly disappointed. Fortunately, Nina came to his rescue and kicked a bottle of water at him from under her chair. He inhaled it, trying to rid the taste of shitty brownie from his mouth. Everyone’s eyes were on him now. Apparently his loud coughing had drawn everyone’s attention away from Mara and towards him.

“Excuse me, that’s very rude,” she said snippily, “If anyone interrupts me one more time, I’m going to require that person to write me a 5 paragraph essay on how they can improve their behavior if they want to attend the next meeting-” a rather loud bang interrupted her rant. She turned beet red and scanned the room frantically for the source of the noise. Matthias looked up, thankful that the attention was finally off him to see Wylan sitting in a shower of confetti, grinning. His hair was slightly singed, but the look on Mara’s face was priceless. He had never seen anyone turn purple before. Her mouth was opening and closing furiously, but no sound was coming out. Suddenly, Jesper jumped over a row of chairs and skidded to a halt in front of Wylan, who in turn jumped on his back and the pair ran out shrieking obscenities in Mara’s general direction. Even Kaz Brekker was smiling, a genuine smile that reached his eyes. Matthias couldn’t help but grin a little, despite his earlier humiliation. Nina was howling with laughter and Inej was shaking on the floor, abandoning her usual stoic demeanor. The room was chaos. It was reminiscent of the first meeting.

“Did Wylan seriously bring a confetti bomb?” Nina howled, “That’s genius!” There was a trail of colorful paper that led out the door and towards a Jeep Wrangler in the parking lot.

“He never ceases to impress me,” Kaz said, “That truly was spectacular.”

“I suppose this is our cue to leave,” Matthias strode towards the door. He avoided glancing behind him. He really didn’t want to see a stale, overcooked radish explode in his face.


End file.
